This is the post nobody was waiting for and everybody was fearing. The post where I have to write that I had a fall back. So here it is. Black on white. Honest as it can be.
3 weeks ago we found 2 metastasis in my liver. Additional tests did not show any other tumours which was a huge relief for us. 10 days ago I went through operation, which went very well and without any complications. So now I am sitting at home writing these lines and realise already that two things are different compared to the first diagnose.
First of all the shock was much bigger, because it was so unexpected. It hit me strong and if I am honest it keeps on hitting strong. Compared to the first time, I experience now more fear. Pancreatic cancer is one of the trickiest to treat, I know that. But still I have to remind myself that nobody knows what the future will bring. Nobody can tell me. So I have to learn again to handle my mind. To calm my-self down. To take it step by step. To find trust again. Which is not easy when your body is a wreck and weak. Normally in such situations I go running to sweat it out. This has to wait now some weeks, until I can get ready for Round 2. But I already feel that I will get ready.
That the challenge feels bigger this time is the first difference. The second difference is that I decided today that I will write publicly about my journey. Not with a pseudonym name or on a hidden webpage. No. Here on my personal webpage with my real name. Why? Well, first of all because I think it is important that people stand up and say without any shame what it means to have cancer. And second of all I hope that this writings will help me and others to go through the things we have to go through.
I will see my doctors in the coming weeks to discuss the next steps. But it is not sure if I have to go through additional chemo- or radio-therapy. I will keep you posted.