Life is a story. What is mine?

 
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This question I ask my-self since many years. Today, after many ups and downs, I have to sit down and take a deep breath as my life just got challenged again. The challenge I know so well,  but disgust so much.  Again we found a dot in my liver that seems to be a metastasis from my cancer. Round 6? I stopped counting. The good news is that the dot grew very slow and did nearly not change in size. (It's a spot we have on the radar since 9 months). The bad news is, that it changed in size. The doctor seemed not so alarmed and during the coming weeks we will decide our next steps. 

So what do I do with that? How do I feel? If I am honest, I don't know. I feel down, no surprise. And somehow angry. I hear this inner voice saying: 'Leave me alone, you annoying cancer. Let me live my life in peace.' And then on the other side I know that I am also very lucky, cause I am still here. It is not something that I take for granted.

When I got the news last week, I asked myself what should I do? And somehow it became very fast very clear how I want to respond:

This is my response. 

This post that you are reading and the new website you are looking at. I decided to do what I did 5 years ago when I got my first diagnose: to process it through my words. To write down what's inside of me and share it with the world. Not to show off how easy I am taking it. Not to pretend that everything will be fine, if I just write a nice blog post about the power of positive thinking. F*** positive thinking. We all know that life is not that simple. Life is wonderful and magical, but it is also brutal. It hurts and is unfair. Life is a drama full of love, sweat and tears. And a bloody epilog.

Life is a story with many chapters. Good ones and tricky ones.

With long monologues and funny episodes. A story full of unknown places and amazing people. An adventure that will test your character and show you who you really are. If you want it or not, your story will have nasty turns. Suddenly a villain enters the stage and catches you unprepared. He burns your house or your heart and leaves behind a scene of ashes and destruction. The story is not always written on a white, blank page. There will be rain and there will be storms. It seems like the director of this play wants to entertain his audience by inducing more drama just to see how his main character copes with it. 

So how do I cope? How do I react? Or do I have to act? To pretend that I will manage while inside my emotions are boiling? This is the dilemma of every actor who is suddenly in the spotlight of a play. From one moment to the next all the eye balls are on you and everybody expects a big speech or courageous action. But life is not a action movie. Life is a play full of human struggle and honest emotions. 

And if I want it or not I have a major part in writing this story. No matter what I do or what I don't do, I will add to the storyline. Making a pause will add to the plot. So will a big scream or a funny dance. The important thing is not to freak out about what to do or say as there is not one right thing. 

If I have to sit down, then I will. If I have to say something, I will speak. And if I have to go backstage, I will take a break. As long as I stay curious I am safe, as it will allow me to find my role. Or as Shakespeare once said:

Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course.

Curiosity is in my opinion an underestimated superpower. 5 years ago me and my family were devastated when I got my diagnosis. But back then nobody could foreseen what an amazing journey I had in front of me. A journey full of joy and love. A journey that brought me over the oceans to the end of the world and back. Of course it was not always easy, I don't want to pretend. But it was worth it, maybe because of that. And maybe because I stayed curious to what to come.

Today I want to keep that in mind and take it as my inspiration. 

 

 
Martin Inderbitzin